Grace Through Stitches

In parenting we experience so many firsts with our children. We experience their first smile. First steps. First words. First birthday. First day of school. First lost tooth. As your child ages, the firsts slow down a bit. In our current stage, the next first we are preparing ourselves for is for our oldest child to enter Middle School this fall.  Well that's what we thought anyway. We hit another first which I had thought we would never hit. Piper's first stitches.

This past week has been crazy busy and I was looking forward to an evening with great friends filled with great food, a whole bunch of laughs, and just a night to slow down. As I am putting together my mashed potatoes I'm reminding the girls they needed to do a 10 minute pickup in their room before we leave. Not even 2 minutes have passed when Piper comes down just crying. I can feel myself take a deep breath and brace myself to listen with some sympathy to what I am assuming a fight that has happened between her and one of her sisters. As I get down to her eye level, I see blood. As I grab a paper towel I ask her what happened. Apparently little sister has invented the game of hiding big sisters' boots in the furnace doors and it had been left open. In Piper fashion, she had been hurrying to her room and didn't see the door.

As I look at it and consult with an expert friend about whether or not we need stitches, Piper melts down because she does not want a shot or stitches. I spent my time trying to reassure her and tell her it probably will be just butterfly stitches or they will just clean it out as we head to the ER. We check in and Piper grills the girl at the desk about butterfly stitches. The girl had never heard of them and sent Piper's anxiety through the roof. I spent the hour trying to keep Piper calm and keep Riley and Aubrey entertained. When it became apparent that it was going to be an extremely long wait, we headed to the walk-in clinic.

There we were seen right away and the medical assistant was knowledgeable about butterfly stitches which put Piper at ease. Things got interesting when the doctor came in. As I watched her examine Piper and ask me questions, her tone and attitude made me feel about 2 inches tall and like the worst mother in the world. Her no nonsense attitude continued while she answered Piper’s questions. The situation worsened when she discovered we were declining the tetanus shot. She bluntly announced stitches were needed and told me someone would be in to administer the numbing agent.  After she left the room, needless to say emotions where running high. That’s when I felt this sense of peace and grace washed over me, which cleared my head enough to evaluate the situation around me. I soothed Piper as we waited for her head to numb.

I started to evaluate the situation. This doctor was pregnant, it had been an extremely busy afternoon and there were still 3 more patients to see and their office was closed. To be honest the last thing I would want to see on a beautiful Friday night is a frazzled mother of three with one flying high over the anxiety rainbow. I may not have been able to change her attitude but I could change mine. Her attitude wasn’t about me and I had a choice on to whether it was going to affect me. As I focused on Piper and trying to keep the other two in line long enough to get Piper stitched up.

I truly believe God showed up in that room. By me being willing to see what He was trying to show me and not giving into my insecurities and emotions, made the situation better. She seemed a little more patient by the continuous stream of questions Piper had and was understanding and comforting when Aubrey turned into Casper the ghost and started crying.  

6 stitches later and Piper bouncing around excitedly about having a story to share on Monday, Aubrey’s color starting to return, we leave the clinic I am reeling over the entire experience. I managed to make it through the blood, needles, watching my child get stitched up, and a lot of tears. It was a good reminder that God shows up whether we remember to ask Him to or not. It is up to us to choose to lean in to His strength and listen to what He is trying to tell us.  

When Faith and Expectations Collide

I think about writing and promise myself I will do a better job at keeping my blog updated. This time I am not holding myself to these expectations. I want to write to find joy and maybe some sanity in the chaos I call life. So that may be a daily, weekly, or monthly basis. No expectations.

Which brings me to the topic of this post. Expectations. We all have them. But are they starting to replace Faith? It have been something I have been chewing on the last couple of days. Do they go hand in hand with Faith or are they like weeds that slowly start choking the life out of the flowers and eventually take over the whole garden? Do expectations kill Faith?

Heavy thinking especially on a beautiful weekend when this thought process hit me while grocery shopping. I really know how to live life right? The joys of being a mother who needs to feed three growing girls and a hardworking husband who seem to be hungry all the time. This thought entered in when I was telling my girls my expectations for their behavior and the cleanliness of their room. Feeling angry and frustrated I walked away.  I started to think about the other areas of my life that I have expectations.  I expect to get good grades and to graduate with a good GPA so I can get a good job so we can move to a bigger house and provide bigger and better things for our family. Nothing wrong with that right? It is good to have goals in life and a plan in place to achieve it but things get blurred when we start to expect things. Expectations lead to a place where Faith goes to die.

Hear me out. You may think I my words are brutal but that is not my intention or you may think I have fallen off my rocker.  I’m hoping this causes a pause in your spirit to think about it. What are your expectations in life? How has it worked out for you?

Allow me to share my experience with expectations. The last five years I have been stuck in my Faith. Doors closing, things being taking away, with nothing to replace it. My expectations were high. My husband and I were in school, his job was good. We were going places. He wanted to be in ministry and I wanted to counsel people. An opportunity popped up and we felt that this was the next step for us. So much that we didn’t pray about it, we knew this is what God’s next step was for us and expectation replaced faith. We worked hard for it. Why wouldn’t we get it? We expected this position. When we were passed over, we went through all the emotions. Hurt, anger, contempt. This was the start of a journey that would break us and lead us to our knees which is where we should have been all along.

We decided to continue to grow in our education and experience in hopes new opportunities would come our way. Our expectations were high and we were disappointed every time. Every time we were passed over or we felt mistreated or they did not say what we expected we would become more hurt and bitter. We started to think God was speaking through us through people, that they knew Him better than us instead of seeking God himself and seeing the people around us as vessels God is trying to use through their brokenness and flaws. I grew weary of no one meeting my expectations especially God. I felt abandoned. I was tired of being bitter and angry. Tired of feeling empty. Something needed to change.

As I started on this journey, I was hoping to improve me and find God through this process. He put amazing people of Faith in my path. Ones that poured unconditional love and empathy into me. I started to see people for people and not as God. He loves me and wants me. He never abandoned me. I did. He did not live up to my expectations. Nor should He. Faith is trust. It gives you peace. It is the knowledge that He is in control and He works all things for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). Not my purpose. His. Expectations set the bar high.  It misleads and deceives. It makes us believe what we think we should have versus what we actually need.There will always be disappointments. So toss the expectations out the window. I promise it’s the most freeing feeling. You’ll feel like a toddler after the bath running around naked. The look on their face is pure joy. Who wouldn’t want that?

Our Current Stage

As I look over my postings on my blog, I can see how it’s evolving. I used to update with cute stories of the girls and as they are getting bigger and are in school full-time and as I’ve entered school we have gotten busier meaning fewer and fewer blog postings. I feel like every time I feel prompted to post is now about the more serious things that are going on. As I’m striving to become an authentic person, to be able to be one of those people what you see is what you get, I feel like since this goal has been set, God is stretching me and putting my words to the test. This leads me to share the struggle Ben and I have been dealing with.

 

I have shared with some of you that Ben and I are being called to adopt. We’ve felt this long before Riley was born but always felt the timing was off. Last year we started looking into it, attending informational meetings. Reviewing the pros and cons of domestic versus international.  We decided that domestic would be more ideal and affordable for our family.  After visiting Lily of the Valley Orphanage in Mexico last year, I fell in love with the children. This surprised me because I had my heart set on a baby or toddler. My reasoning was to try and not mess with the birth order of our children. But older kids ironically I have a harder time connecting with. Many of these kids are older and out of my comfort zone but if I could have I would have brought them home with me. After the trip I realized Ben and my mistake, although we felt like we were doing what God called us to do, WE made the decision about domestic because international for us was overwhelming financially. It was in our comfort zone. We always insist on learning the hard way. In the wise words of Steve Furtick, God will take you out of your comfort zone but never out of your sweet spot. He will not lead you somewhere without equipping you first.

 

Once our minds and hearts were open to international, God took over. What started out as a normal conversation with a friend in December turned to adoption where I told her I had always wanted to adopt from Africa. Before this I had never vocalized this. My heart strings have always been tugged by Africa but my thinking was to spend my life on the mission field there. Her eyes light up and told me to talk to a mutual friend of ours.

 

If some of you have continued reading that is, I wanted to give you some of the background of the story and how we have come to this point. Maybe you are questioning why I am sharing this with you. I wanted to wait until all of our paperwork had been approved and we’d been matched with a child before saying anything. The big reason I believe that held me back from saying anything is fear. Maybe because I was afraid there would be criticism because we already have three girls. How will we afford it and where will you fit another child?  Fear that we would be questioned on how we were going to manage four kids when our lives seem so busy and chaotic. Fear that if I said something maybe things wouldn’t work out and I would have to explain why. Fear accomplishes nothing but keeps us where we are at. By not saying anything, we are stopping people from supporting us through advice, love, and prayers. Prayers that we need right now. 

God has been and continues to be very faithful to us in this process. When we had no idea where the money would come from for the application and home study fee, God has given it to us. Unfortunately we have hit a wall. First off I have to say Ben is an amazing provider for our family. He is a hard worker and sometimes his work ethic and talents are underappreciated.  He recently has become self-employed. His goal is to make sure that his family is provided for no matter the number of hours he works or how much he makes an hour. Being in the construction field has its ups and downs. When things are good they are good but when they are low, things get a little tight. We have qualified for governmental assistance and are working hard to be off of it. Pride kept me from saying anything because there is a stigma that comes with it and I couldn’t handle it. I’ve come to the realization that if I hold onto my pride, it stops me from allowing people to see the real me, flaws and all: from being the authentic person I want to be and it stops me from being used to my full potential for the plans God has for me. So in order to proceed with the adoption we need to make the income requirements and be off all governmental programs. Our biggest concern is health insurance for the girls.

Right now we are coveting your prayers for our adoption and guidance on what the next step is. We know our God is big and can overcome any situation no matter how impossible we think it is. The hard part is the waiting.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings!

Finding the Words......

I have been trying for the last month to try and put words to what my relationship with my grandma has meant to me over my entire life. It has not been an easy task and I am beginning to think there may not be the right words to describe what an inspiring influence she has been. So I decided to put together some random memories and thoughts. Growing up as a Coast Guard brat, we moved around a lot. So home base for my sisters and me was Grandma and Grandpa’s house. My first clear memory of going to see Grandma was when I was six. It was an unexpected trip. My grandpa had died and we were going to his funeral. We lived in Wisconsin at the time and it was a twelve hour trip. Being six, I didn’t understand the magnitude of the situation, I just knew we were going and seeing Grandma. The excitement kept me up all eleven hours and fifteen minutes much to the dismay of my big sisters who were being kept awake by their very chatty little sister. Needless to say it was a relief when I fell asleep. I still remember walking in and being picked up by Grandma and sitting in her orange chair hearing her say “Ah my Amanda”. Then she got up and got snicker doodles out of the freezer because we must be hungry after such a long trip. Going to Minnesota was filled with endless amounts of food, laughter, playing countless games of Uno with our cousins, and late nights. Although Grandma never seemed to require much sleep because after a late night you would always find her in the early morning at the breakfast nook with her Bible and her coffee. I always suspected she must have been a super hero who never needed sleep. I did discover her secret in later years. A great power nap in the afternoon does wonders for your energy level. As time continues to pass, going to see Grandma still is the biggest the highlight of the year. The next memory that has impacted me was when we got to move to Minnesota. It was hard to leave my big sisters behind in Traverse City but we were going to live near Grandma! Nothing got better then that. Plus Grandma is nicer then my sisters where but in all fairness I may have been good at being the annoying little sister. Grandma and I spent lots of time together. She took us to church and then to Hardees’s for a pop and a cookie afterwards. Then during the week it was Missionettes and then later she would take me to youth group. Thursday nights were the best day of the week. I got to have a sleepover at Grandma’s house. I did enjoy youth group, it was the one guarantee that I got to hang out with my two best friends but truth be told I was an awkward teenager. I was painfully shy with severe overbite and huge glasses (Ironically they are in style now. I knew I was always ahead of my time!) Which did not make me a confident cool kid but with Grandma, I always felt like the coolest kid on the planet. We would eat ice cream and watch ER which still makes me laugh because we could never convince her it was E.R. It was listed in the T.V. guide as er so that’s what she called it. Those four years planted the seed for my faith. Grandma is the epitome of what it means to have a humble servant’s heart. She always helped in anyway she could. She did everything from setting up communion to teaching preschool to praying over someone. Any way she could help, she did. She did it without needing praise or reconization. In my opinion, she didn’t want it. Grandma saw a need that she could fill. It came second nature to her. She served because that’s what Jesus calls us to do. As I look over the things in my life I can see how much of an impact she has had. Without her I wouldn’t realize how rewarding it is to volunteer in the church, what a true prayer warrior looks like, what a small difference you can make when you put another’s needs above your own. My Grandma is an amazing woman and I do not think there will be ever the right words to describe how much she means to me. Thank you doesn’t seem adequate for all that she has done. The one thing I can do is honor her contributions by reflecting what ethics and morals she has instilled into me and passing them on to my children.

Bringing Down the Walls

This isn’t one of my typical posts. As I think about the funny antics of my girls or the cute things they say, I wish  I was writing about that, but God has called me to write about something more personal and I am choosing to obedient even though it requires me to be vulnerable to the people around me.  According to statistics over eighteen million people suffer from depression, I am one of those people. To some that may come as a shock, to those closest to me, maybe not so much. As much as I would love to have kept my struggle personal, God has called me to do otherwise and part of it is to explain some parts of my personality and actions that over the last few months have been questioned. It is also part of the process of bringing my walls down and letting people see the ‘real me’ and allowing closer relationships to be formed.

I was diagnosed with depression five years ago. It started out as the Baby Blues and progressed from there. I had Piper in 2005. She was a month early and in the NICU for ten days. I was overwhelmed and highly emotional. I knew something was wrong but figured it would go away when Piper came home. I continued to blame my mood swings on the stress of being a wife and mother of a toddler and an infant with colic plus I was working full-time. I started to notice it was affecting my relationships especially with Piper. I could not deal with her and didn’t bond with her for the first 15 months of her life. Riley was the easy child, it quickly become Riley was mine and Piper was Ben’s daughter. It became a real wake-up call when Piper wouldn’t acknowledge me. I then realized I couldn’t deny something was wrong. In 2006 I finally talked to my doctor and she diagnosed me with depression and put me on an anti-depressant. I noticed a change right away. My depression was under control, Piper and I had finally started to bond, life was good.

After being on the medication for 6 months I started getting nauseous and really bad headaches. I quickly ruled out pregnancy and figured out it was the meds. My doctor changed the prescription and things were fine until it started making me sick, this time two months later. It wasn’t worth it to me to feel this way every day and I felt that I would be okay with out it.  

In January 2008 we added Aubrey to our family. I was concerned that post-partum would last longer but by this time I had found some better ways to cope with life without the meds. Our home life become more chaotic and there were some major changes being made at work and to deal with things I closed myself off to everyone and just pretended everything was fine. I became a real jerk. I wanted to be left alone. That September I lost my job and it changed the entire ball game. I was a stay at home mom for the first time in four years and I found that I could no longer hide from my feelings or problems or even God. I honestly believe losing my job was God’s wake-up call in my life. We were going to church but it was just like going through the motions. I wasn’t relying on Him, like I knew I should because I wanted to be in control of my life.

In the last 21/2 years, I’ve handed everything over to Him. My way is not better although sometimes I think it is but its not. I feel like for the first time in over 10 years, I am finally living out my faith. Does this mean I am perfect? Not at all, nor do I strive to be. God is the only one that is and His Grace covers all.

So why am I sharing this? I want people to better understand me and sometimes my reactions to things.  I am not completely over my depression. I battle it daily. I am not in denial about it. I chose joy. I chose to force myself into social interactions, so I am not tempted to become self-centered and focus on the bad. Am I flakey? A little bit. As much as I try to remember details, it’s hard. Fogginess can be a side effect of depression. Do I have fears? Yes, I do. And if I let myself dwell on it, I would never let my children or I leave the house. I hand over my fears and anxieties everyday. I will not live in fear. That is not how I have been called to live. My God is bigger and He has pretty big shoulders to carry my burdens if I let Him.

 Are there days where I wish I didn’t suffer from it? Yes. But over the last five years I have learned a lot from dealing with it. The main thing is it keeps me humble and dependant on God. I am definitely one of those people that can get wrapped up in life and think that I can do everything myself, becoming my own rock. Instead I lean into The Rock and He makes me solid.

Rainbow Stripes

It never fails to amaze me how creative my children are. Piper does not like having a sheet on her bed. We put one on and by morning it is no longer there. Piper tells me in her small squeaky voice "I prefer my cold blankets" I do not have to sleep in her bed so if that is what she wants I have let it slide. This has gone on for many months. Tonight I thought we would try it again. I put the sheet on and left her to finish making her bed. She comes out a few minutes later and says "I'm done. I put my blankets on like a rainbow." I did not think anything of it, just thrilled there was no battle for getting her bed made. As I tucked her in, she pulls back her comforter and there is all of her smaller blankets laying vertically across the sheet kind of like a rainbow. Piper always finds the loophole in every situation.

Words Not Taken for Granted

Its been so long since my last post. Life has been chaotic, crazy, or in a nutshell, a zoo. In this time, I have realized how much I miss writing. Which may sound crazy to those who know I made the decision to go back to school and get my degree. I hate writing academic papers, just to clarify. It does not fill my need to write. So with that said, here is what is on my mind today. I love you. Three basic overused words. How many times do we use them in a day? Or how many times are they said without thought or even with meaning. I don't think we appreciate the meaning until we haven't heard them. My youngest daughter Aubrey has recently been accepted into an ECP class that will help her with her speech. A little back story for you. Aubrey spoke her first word at 6 months. Ben was trying to give me a break and trying to spend some time bonding with her and she wanted nothing to do with it. She starting crying and turned her head and said Mama. She from the beginning has always known what she want and when she wants it. Stubborn child. Must be the Adams genes. Aubrey's vocabulary continued to grow. We were thrilled because our other two would only talked when they wanted. They could not be prompted. It was always on their terms. By 2 they woke up and were talking a blue streak. But by 10 months Aubrey was no longer talking. The extent of her vocabulary was Hi and Daddy. We thought it was just stubbornness and she did have 2 big sisters to talk for her. As we approached her 2ND birthday not too much had changed. Yeah, she was saying a little more but you really couldn't understand what she was saying but she got her point across non-verbally. As we hit 3, she still was not puting sentences together. Part of me knew there was a problem but didn't want to admit to it or told myself she would grow out of it. It was then when we applied for Head Start that things came to a head. Jennifer Kelly, (the admissions worker and who we have worked with since Riley was 3) was trying to get Aubrey into the program. We made to much financially BUT if there were any red flags or concerns about her, it might get her bumped up on the list. I casually mention about her speech thinking it would be pointless. Well, was I wrong. After 2 evaluations Aubrey was indeed struggling with her speech. Which then lead to the guilt of thinking she was just being stubborn or not pursuing this sooner. So back to my main point. After starting school, we've noticed she is talking way more, we still struggle to understand most words but she has the confidence to try. She crawled up on to the couch with me this morning and looked at me and said I love you. A whole three word sentence! One made up of the best words in the world. Up until this point I have always initiate it and her reply always was YOU! Tears still well up when I think of this precious moment. These words are definitely not being taken for granted.

Hello Again

Hello Everyone!
Its been awhile since I've last updated. There is so much to catch up on, I don't know where to start. Riley and Piper are both in school. Riley started Kindergarten and Piper is in the Ready four program. Both girls are really blossoming this year. Its been hard to watch the traces of toddlerness disappear and to see the big kid takes its place. We are enjoying this new stage with them but it feels like the last five years has gone by so fast. Sometimes I fear I will blink and in the place of my big kid will be replaced by a teenager ready to leave for college. Boy' I get sidetracked to easily. Riley is learning to read and loves to write. She does come by it honestly.
My normally Piper has really come out of her shell this year. She has become more social and is willing to try new things and isn't as dependant on big sister. School has really helped with that.
So that leaves Aubrey. What can I say about her? She will be two next week. I think I have the only two year old on the planet who's favorite word is Daddy and not no. Its not even in her vocabulary. Which is weird to me because I feel like I have to say it a million times more with her then I did with the other two. She is full of life. She loves to eat,climb and will do anything she can to keep up with her sisters. I will update more later, my bed is calling my name. Pictures to come. I have to get them all reloaded due to, you guessed it computer problems! Big surprise there huh?!

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Our church has recently started a mid-week service for kids. Very exciting! It also makes it easier for parents who want to come to Bible Study but don't have anyone to watch their kids. Totally getting off track here. Riley and Piper went last week and I always ask what they learned about. Normally the response I get is, "We just learned about God." I asked Riley and her eyes got really big and she said " We learned about sheep! And Jesus is a leopard!"
Ben and me got a big chuckle out of that.

In Loving Memory Of Duchess

Must've Been Somebody Else

Part of our bedtime routine is doing devotions.To help them understand we do use examples of things we have said or heard during the day or week. Tonight's devotion was about watching what you say and how we may say things that hurt each others feelings. At the end of the devotion they have two questions for you to fill out. The first one is about what the moral of the story is and the second is how can you relate it in your life. Some of the examples that we've heard from them lately is I "m not your best friend!(Riley) or I don't want to play with you! (Piper) Piper gets nose to nose with me and says " It must've been somebody else!"
She cracks me up! However I may have problems with this one later on.

Riley's Big Week

I'll admit I've been really bad about updating the blog. Its July and I'm just now getting to the final week of Riley's school year. 'Better late then never' seems to have become my motto. I've also included a slide show. Now I'll explain the pictures. This year they have studied the life cycle of the caterpillar. On the last day of school, they got to release the butterflies. Very fun stuff. I don't remember learning about that stuff, not even in kindergarten! I guess it is no longer just about cutting and pasting. They also got to visit a small farm. There where goats,horses, chickens, and of course what is a farm without a few barn cats. That was Riley's favorite part of the field trip. She came home begging Daddy for a kitten with stripes! They also got to collect chicken eggs to take back to the classroom. Later that week they would cook them up for a snack. To top off Riley's week she got to go to Kindergarten Experience. She got to run through the routine of a typical day. It still amazes me how big she is and how very independent Riley has become. I'm confident she march into her classroom on the first day of school and not look back. I however will probably be the one crying buckets!