Bringing Down the Walls

This isn’t one of my typical posts. As I think about the funny antics of my girls or the cute things they say, I wish  I was writing about that, but God has called me to write about something more personal and I am choosing to obedient even though it requires me to be vulnerable to the people around me.  According to statistics over eighteen million people suffer from depression, I am one of those people. To some that may come as a shock, to those closest to me, maybe not so much. As much as I would love to have kept my struggle personal, God has called me to do otherwise and part of it is to explain some parts of my personality and actions that over the last few months have been questioned. It is also part of the process of bringing my walls down and letting people see the ‘real me’ and allowing closer relationships to be formed.

I was diagnosed with depression five years ago. It started out as the Baby Blues and progressed from there. I had Piper in 2005. She was a month early and in the NICU for ten days. I was overwhelmed and highly emotional. I knew something was wrong but figured it would go away when Piper came home. I continued to blame my mood swings on the stress of being a wife and mother of a toddler and an infant with colic plus I was working full-time. I started to notice it was affecting my relationships especially with Piper. I could not deal with her and didn’t bond with her for the first 15 months of her life. Riley was the easy child, it quickly become Riley was mine and Piper was Ben’s daughter. It became a real wake-up call when Piper wouldn’t acknowledge me. I then realized I couldn’t deny something was wrong. In 2006 I finally talked to my doctor and she diagnosed me with depression and put me on an anti-depressant. I noticed a change right away. My depression was under control, Piper and I had finally started to bond, life was good.

After being on the medication for 6 months I started getting nauseous and really bad headaches. I quickly ruled out pregnancy and figured out it was the meds. My doctor changed the prescription and things were fine until it started making me sick, this time two months later. It wasn’t worth it to me to feel this way every day and I felt that I would be okay with out it.  

In January 2008 we added Aubrey to our family. I was concerned that post-partum would last longer but by this time I had found some better ways to cope with life without the meds. Our home life become more chaotic and there were some major changes being made at work and to deal with things I closed myself off to everyone and just pretended everything was fine. I became a real jerk. I wanted to be left alone. That September I lost my job and it changed the entire ball game. I was a stay at home mom for the first time in four years and I found that I could no longer hide from my feelings or problems or even God. I honestly believe losing my job was God’s wake-up call in my life. We were going to church but it was just like going through the motions. I wasn’t relying on Him, like I knew I should because I wanted to be in control of my life.

In the last 21/2 years, I’ve handed everything over to Him. My way is not better although sometimes I think it is but its not. I feel like for the first time in over 10 years, I am finally living out my faith. Does this mean I am perfect? Not at all, nor do I strive to be. God is the only one that is and His Grace covers all.

So why am I sharing this? I want people to better understand me and sometimes my reactions to things.  I am not completely over my depression. I battle it daily. I am not in denial about it. I chose joy. I chose to force myself into social interactions, so I am not tempted to become self-centered and focus on the bad. Am I flakey? A little bit. As much as I try to remember details, it’s hard. Fogginess can be a side effect of depression. Do I have fears? Yes, I do. And if I let myself dwell on it, I would never let my children or I leave the house. I hand over my fears and anxieties everyday. I will not live in fear. That is not how I have been called to live. My God is bigger and He has pretty big shoulders to carry my burdens if I let Him.

 Are there days where I wish I didn’t suffer from it? Yes. But over the last five years I have learned a lot from dealing with it. The main thing is it keeps me humble and dependant on God. I am definitely one of those people that can get wrapped up in life and think that I can do everything myself, becoming my own rock. Instead I lean into The Rock and He makes me solid.

Rainbow Stripes

It never fails to amaze me how creative my children are. Piper does not like having a sheet on her bed. We put one on and by morning it is no longer there. Piper tells me in her small squeaky voice "I prefer my cold blankets" I do not have to sleep in her bed so if that is what she wants I have let it slide. This has gone on for many months. Tonight I thought we would try it again. I put the sheet on and left her to finish making her bed. She comes out a few minutes later and says "I'm done. I put my blankets on like a rainbow." I did not think anything of it, just thrilled there was no battle for getting her bed made. As I tucked her in, she pulls back her comforter and there is all of her smaller blankets laying vertically across the sheet kind of like a rainbow. Piper always finds the loophole in every situation.

Words Not Taken for Granted

Its been so long since my last post. Life has been chaotic, crazy, or in a nutshell, a zoo. In this time, I have realized how much I miss writing. Which may sound crazy to those who know I made the decision to go back to school and get my degree. I hate writing academic papers, just to clarify. It does not fill my need to write. So with that said, here is what is on my mind today. I love you. Three basic overused words. How many times do we use them in a day? Or how many times are they said without thought or even with meaning. I don't think we appreciate the meaning until we haven't heard them. My youngest daughter Aubrey has recently been accepted into an ECP class that will help her with her speech. A little back story for you. Aubrey spoke her first word at 6 months. Ben was trying to give me a break and trying to spend some time bonding with her and she wanted nothing to do with it. She starting crying and turned her head and said Mama. She from the beginning has always known what she want and when she wants it. Stubborn child. Must be the Adams genes. Aubrey's vocabulary continued to grow. We were thrilled because our other two would only talked when they wanted. They could not be prompted. It was always on their terms. By 2 they woke up and were talking a blue streak. But by 10 months Aubrey was no longer talking. The extent of her vocabulary was Hi and Daddy. We thought it was just stubbornness and she did have 2 big sisters to talk for her. As we approached her 2ND birthday not too much had changed. Yeah, she was saying a little more but you really couldn't understand what she was saying but she got her point across non-verbally. As we hit 3, she still was not puting sentences together. Part of me knew there was a problem but didn't want to admit to it or told myself she would grow out of it. It was then when we applied for Head Start that things came to a head. Jennifer Kelly, (the admissions worker and who we have worked with since Riley was 3) was trying to get Aubrey into the program. We made to much financially BUT if there were any red flags or concerns about her, it might get her bumped up on the list. I casually mention about her speech thinking it would be pointless. Well, was I wrong. After 2 evaluations Aubrey was indeed struggling with her speech. Which then lead to the guilt of thinking she was just being stubborn or not pursuing this sooner. So back to my main point. After starting school, we've noticed she is talking way more, we still struggle to understand most words but she has the confidence to try. She crawled up on to the couch with me this morning and looked at me and said I love you. A whole three word sentence! One made up of the best words in the world. Up until this point I have always initiate it and her reply always was YOU! Tears still well up when I think of this precious moment. These words are definitely not being taken for granted.

Hello Again

Hello Everyone!
Its been awhile since I've last updated. There is so much to catch up on, I don't know where to start. Riley and Piper are both in school. Riley started Kindergarten and Piper is in the Ready four program. Both girls are really blossoming this year. Its been hard to watch the traces of toddlerness disappear and to see the big kid takes its place. We are enjoying this new stage with them but it feels like the last five years has gone by so fast. Sometimes I fear I will blink and in the place of my big kid will be replaced by a teenager ready to leave for college. Boy' I get sidetracked to easily. Riley is learning to read and loves to write. She does come by it honestly.
My normally Piper has really come out of her shell this year. She has become more social and is willing to try new things and isn't as dependant on big sister. School has really helped with that.
So that leaves Aubrey. What can I say about her? She will be two next week. I think I have the only two year old on the planet who's favorite word is Daddy and not no. Its not even in her vocabulary. Which is weird to me because I feel like I have to say it a million times more with her then I did with the other two. She is full of life. She loves to eat,climb and will do anything she can to keep up with her sisters. I will update more later, my bed is calling my name. Pictures to come. I have to get them all reloaded due to, you guessed it computer problems! Big surprise there huh?!

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Our church has recently started a mid-week service for kids. Very exciting! It also makes it easier for parents who want to come to Bible Study but don't have anyone to watch their kids. Totally getting off track here. Riley and Piper went last week and I always ask what they learned about. Normally the response I get is, "We just learned about God." I asked Riley and her eyes got really big and she said " We learned about sheep! And Jesus is a leopard!"
Ben and me got a big chuckle out of that.

In Loving Memory Of Duchess

Must've Been Somebody Else

Part of our bedtime routine is doing devotions.To help them understand we do use examples of things we have said or heard during the day or week. Tonight's devotion was about watching what you say and how we may say things that hurt each others feelings. At the end of the devotion they have two questions for you to fill out. The first one is about what the moral of the story is and the second is how can you relate it in your life. Some of the examples that we've heard from them lately is I "m not your best friend!(Riley) or I don't want to play with you! (Piper) Piper gets nose to nose with me and says " It must've been somebody else!"
She cracks me up! However I may have problems with this one later on.

Riley's Big Week

I'll admit I've been really bad about updating the blog. Its July and I'm just now getting to the final week of Riley's school year. 'Better late then never' seems to have become my motto. I've also included a slide show. Now I'll explain the pictures. This year they have studied the life cycle of the caterpillar. On the last day of school, they got to release the butterflies. Very fun stuff. I don't remember learning about that stuff, not even in kindergarten! I guess it is no longer just about cutting and pasting. They also got to visit a small farm. There where goats,horses, chickens, and of course what is a farm without a few barn cats. That was Riley's favorite part of the field trip. She came home begging Daddy for a kitten with stripes! They also got to collect chicken eggs to take back to the classroom. Later that week they would cook them up for a snack. To top off Riley's week she got to go to Kindergarten Experience. She got to run through the routine of a typical day. It still amazes me how big she is and how very independent Riley has become. I'm confident she march into her classroom on the first day of school and not look back. I however will probably be the one crying buckets!

Happy Father's Day!

Ben,

I love watching you grow as a person,husband and father. Each year it gets better and better.

You're an amazing father and I couldn't ask for more!I love you!

Happy Father's Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Spring + Sunny Weather = Moomers

Moomers is one our favorites places to go. Its also really convenient since its just down the road from our house. The girls and Ben have been begging to go and when my mom and Jennie (aka Princess Jen) invited us to go, I couldn't tell them no. This trip was special not only because its the first trip of the season but because Aubrey is big enough for her own bowl. I won't tell you she has never had ice cream but we would share with her which is not a fun time. For those who know my darling daughter also knows she loves food. Aubrey is known to make the rounds at family parties with her mouth open, like a little bird, waiting to be fed.When she doesn't get any she screams. So it was nice to be able to enjoy my own ice cream until she finished her bowl. Then she made the rounds between Ben and myself. Here are some pictures from our trip. Hope you enjoy them!

Gotta make sure to get every last drop!

An Ant?

That is what Riley wants her next pet to be. The funny thing about this is she is the first person to start screaming when a bug is near. I will admit she does come by it honestly. Not that I scream every time I see one but I am not a big fan of anything with six legs. So on Sunday afternoon she tells me there where two ants down in the bathroom and she wants to keep them for pets. I had to ask her "An Ant? Really? " I see her blond head bob up and down. "Yes Mama, but I got a paper towel and squished them. So then I had to throw them out. "It was really hard to keep a straight face. What do you say to that? I sympathized with her and told her maybe an ant wasn't the best pet for her. I can see her thinking about this. She puts her hand up to her chin,slightly rubs it and says "Maybe we can get a Unicorn then." I smile down at my wonderfully sweet child and tell her to go ask her dad.

Happy Easter Everyone!

I hope everyone has a fantastic Easter weekend!