Grace Through Stitches

In parenting we experience so many firsts with our children. We experience their first smile. First steps. First words. First birthday. First day of school. First lost tooth. As your child ages, the firsts slow down a bit. In our current stage, the next first we are preparing ourselves for is for our oldest child to enter Middle School this fall.  Well that's what we thought anyway. We hit another first which I had thought we would never hit. Piper's first stitches.

This past week has been crazy busy and I was looking forward to an evening with great friends filled with great food, a whole bunch of laughs, and just a night to slow down. As I am putting together my mashed potatoes I'm reminding the girls they needed to do a 10 minute pickup in their room before we leave. Not even 2 minutes have passed when Piper comes down just crying. I can feel myself take a deep breath and brace myself to listen with some sympathy to what I am assuming a fight that has happened between her and one of her sisters. As I get down to her eye level, I see blood. As I grab a paper towel I ask her what happened. Apparently little sister has invented the game of hiding big sisters' boots in the furnace doors and it had been left open. In Piper fashion, she had been hurrying to her room and didn't see the door.

As I look at it and consult with an expert friend about whether or not we need stitches, Piper melts down because she does not want a shot or stitches. I spent my time trying to reassure her and tell her it probably will be just butterfly stitches or they will just clean it out as we head to the ER. We check in and Piper grills the girl at the desk about butterfly stitches. The girl had never heard of them and sent Piper's anxiety through the roof. I spent the hour trying to keep Piper calm and keep Riley and Aubrey entertained. When it became apparent that it was going to be an extremely long wait, we headed to the walk-in clinic.

There we were seen right away and the medical assistant was knowledgeable about butterfly stitches which put Piper at ease. Things got interesting when the doctor came in. As I watched her examine Piper and ask me questions, her tone and attitude made me feel about 2 inches tall and like the worst mother in the world. Her no nonsense attitude continued while she answered Piper’s questions. The situation worsened when she discovered we were declining the tetanus shot. She bluntly announced stitches were needed and told me someone would be in to administer the numbing agent.  After she left the room, needless to say emotions where running high. That’s when I felt this sense of peace and grace washed over me, which cleared my head enough to evaluate the situation around me. I soothed Piper as we waited for her head to numb.

I started to evaluate the situation. This doctor was pregnant, it had been an extremely busy afternoon and there were still 3 more patients to see and their office was closed. To be honest the last thing I would want to see on a beautiful Friday night is a frazzled mother of three with one flying high over the anxiety rainbow. I may not have been able to change her attitude but I could change mine. Her attitude wasn’t about me and I had a choice on to whether it was going to affect me. As I focused on Piper and trying to keep the other two in line long enough to get Piper stitched up.

I truly believe God showed up in that room. By me being willing to see what He was trying to show me and not giving into my insecurities and emotions, made the situation better. She seemed a little more patient by the continuous stream of questions Piper had and was understanding and comforting when Aubrey turned into Casper the ghost and started crying.  

6 stitches later and Piper bouncing around excitedly about having a story to share on Monday, Aubrey’s color starting to return, we leave the clinic I am reeling over the entire experience. I managed to make it through the blood, needles, watching my child get stitched up, and a lot of tears. It was a good reminder that God shows up whether we remember to ask Him to or not. It is up to us to choose to lean in to His strength and listen to what He is trying to tell us.  

When Faith and Expectations Collide

I think about writing and promise myself I will do a better job at keeping my blog updated. This time I am not holding myself to these expectations. I want to write to find joy and maybe some sanity in the chaos I call life. So that may be a daily, weekly, or monthly basis. No expectations.

Which brings me to the topic of this post. Expectations. We all have them. But are they starting to replace Faith? It have been something I have been chewing on the last couple of days. Do they go hand in hand with Faith or are they like weeds that slowly start choking the life out of the flowers and eventually take over the whole garden? Do expectations kill Faith?

Heavy thinking especially on a beautiful weekend when this thought process hit me while grocery shopping. I really know how to live life right? The joys of being a mother who needs to feed three growing girls and a hardworking husband who seem to be hungry all the time. This thought entered in when I was telling my girls my expectations for their behavior and the cleanliness of their room. Feeling angry and frustrated I walked away.  I started to think about the other areas of my life that I have expectations.  I expect to get good grades and to graduate with a good GPA so I can get a good job so we can move to a bigger house and provide bigger and better things for our family. Nothing wrong with that right? It is good to have goals in life and a plan in place to achieve it but things get blurred when we start to expect things. Expectations lead to a place where Faith goes to die.

Hear me out. You may think I my words are brutal but that is not my intention or you may think I have fallen off my rocker.  I’m hoping this causes a pause in your spirit to think about it. What are your expectations in life? How has it worked out for you?

Allow me to share my experience with expectations. The last five years I have been stuck in my Faith. Doors closing, things being taking away, with nothing to replace it. My expectations were high. My husband and I were in school, his job was good. We were going places. He wanted to be in ministry and I wanted to counsel people. An opportunity popped up and we felt that this was the next step for us. So much that we didn’t pray about it, we knew this is what God’s next step was for us and expectation replaced faith. We worked hard for it. Why wouldn’t we get it? We expected this position. When we were passed over, we went through all the emotions. Hurt, anger, contempt. This was the start of a journey that would break us and lead us to our knees which is where we should have been all along.

We decided to continue to grow in our education and experience in hopes new opportunities would come our way. Our expectations were high and we were disappointed every time. Every time we were passed over or we felt mistreated or they did not say what we expected we would become more hurt and bitter. We started to think God was speaking through us through people, that they knew Him better than us instead of seeking God himself and seeing the people around us as vessels God is trying to use through their brokenness and flaws. I grew weary of no one meeting my expectations especially God. I felt abandoned. I was tired of being bitter and angry. Tired of feeling empty. Something needed to change.

As I started on this journey, I was hoping to improve me and find God through this process. He put amazing people of Faith in my path. Ones that poured unconditional love and empathy into me. I started to see people for people and not as God. He loves me and wants me. He never abandoned me. I did. He did not live up to my expectations. Nor should He. Faith is trust. It gives you peace. It is the knowledge that He is in control and He works all things for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). Not my purpose. His. Expectations set the bar high.  It misleads and deceives. It makes us believe what we think we should have versus what we actually need.There will always be disappointments. So toss the expectations out the window. I promise it’s the most freeing feeling. You’ll feel like a toddler after the bath running around naked. The look on their face is pure joy. Who wouldn’t want that?