Bringing Down the Walls

This isn’t one of my typical posts. As I think about the funny antics of my girls or the cute things they say, I wish  I was writing about that, but God has called me to write about something more personal and I am choosing to obedient even though it requires me to be vulnerable to the people around me.  According to statistics over eighteen million people suffer from depression, I am one of those people. To some that may come as a shock, to those closest to me, maybe not so much. As much as I would love to have kept my struggle personal, God has called me to do otherwise and part of it is to explain some parts of my personality and actions that over the last few months have been questioned. It is also part of the process of bringing my walls down and letting people see the ‘real me’ and allowing closer relationships to be formed.

I was diagnosed with depression five years ago. It started out as the Baby Blues and progressed from there. I had Piper in 2005. She was a month early and in the NICU for ten days. I was overwhelmed and highly emotional. I knew something was wrong but figured it would go away when Piper came home. I continued to blame my mood swings on the stress of being a wife and mother of a toddler and an infant with colic plus I was working full-time. I started to notice it was affecting my relationships especially with Piper. I could not deal with her and didn’t bond with her for the first 15 months of her life. Riley was the easy child, it quickly become Riley was mine and Piper was Ben’s daughter. It became a real wake-up call when Piper wouldn’t acknowledge me. I then realized I couldn’t deny something was wrong. In 2006 I finally talked to my doctor and she diagnosed me with depression and put me on an anti-depressant. I noticed a change right away. My depression was under control, Piper and I had finally started to bond, life was good.

After being on the medication for 6 months I started getting nauseous and really bad headaches. I quickly ruled out pregnancy and figured out it was the meds. My doctor changed the prescription and things were fine until it started making me sick, this time two months later. It wasn’t worth it to me to feel this way every day and I felt that I would be okay with out it.  

In January 2008 we added Aubrey to our family. I was concerned that post-partum would last longer but by this time I had found some better ways to cope with life without the meds. Our home life become more chaotic and there were some major changes being made at work and to deal with things I closed myself off to everyone and just pretended everything was fine. I became a real jerk. I wanted to be left alone. That September I lost my job and it changed the entire ball game. I was a stay at home mom for the first time in four years and I found that I could no longer hide from my feelings or problems or even God. I honestly believe losing my job was God’s wake-up call in my life. We were going to church but it was just like going through the motions. I wasn’t relying on Him, like I knew I should because I wanted to be in control of my life.

In the last 21/2 years, I’ve handed everything over to Him. My way is not better although sometimes I think it is but its not. I feel like for the first time in over 10 years, I am finally living out my faith. Does this mean I am perfect? Not at all, nor do I strive to be. God is the only one that is and His Grace covers all.

So why am I sharing this? I want people to better understand me and sometimes my reactions to things.  I am not completely over my depression. I battle it daily. I am not in denial about it. I chose joy. I chose to force myself into social interactions, so I am not tempted to become self-centered and focus on the bad. Am I flakey? A little bit. As much as I try to remember details, it’s hard. Fogginess can be a side effect of depression. Do I have fears? Yes, I do. And if I let myself dwell on it, I would never let my children or I leave the house. I hand over my fears and anxieties everyday. I will not live in fear. That is not how I have been called to live. My God is bigger and He has pretty big shoulders to carry my burdens if I let Him.

 Are there days where I wish I didn’t suffer from it? Yes. But over the last five years I have learned a lot from dealing with it. The main thing is it keeps me humble and dependant on God. I am definitely one of those people that can get wrapped up in life and think that I can do everything myself, becoming my own rock. Instead I lean into The Rock and He makes me solid.